The warning label on beer bottles is pretty brief: no drinking if you’re preggers and don’t be an asshole by driving a car. Below are more helpful, more realistic warnings, born of years of experience.
PK|BF Warning
(Not) According to the Surgeon General, consumption of alcoholic beverages may rob you of obvious common sense. 1) You probably shouldn’t play the knife game. 2) You really shouldn’t try to ride a unicycle. 3) And really, don’t put an unopened can of beer in a bonfire: that’s what YouTube is for.
Using alcohol can impair your ability to operate a smartphone. 1) Remember: autocorrect is not your fiend. 2) Incidents of ExTexting may increase. You are vulnerable to sending unwise texts to your ex — you don’t really miss him; you’re just drunk and lonely. Own it and put more sad songs on the jukebox. 3) Phones may prove more slippery. Esp. for ladies: remove your phone from your back pocket before hitting the women’s room. They absolutely will dive into the toilet and they will die there, and you will have to stick your hand in there one way or another.
Consumption of alcoholic beverages is discouraged around social media. 1) Your comments will not seem so witty tomorrow morning, after everyone has lol-ed at you. 2) Photographic evidence (Dear Mr. Zuckerberg, thank you for being such a young mutt that Facebook was not around when I was in undergrad. Those 3x5s of my tomato-red, this-is-my-first-time-drunk! face are a lot easier to light on fire than a digital copy.) 3) Duck face.
Alcohol could drastically reduce one’s ability to be smooth. 1) You may find yourself hitting on strangers; or worse, friends, and friends with benefits is not a thing that really exists in this dimension. 2) Snide asides are not so aside, and you may want to take that laugh down a notch or two. 3) Your sexy walk just became embarrassing.
Alcohol can seriously impair your ability to be a grown-up. 1) You could become unable to negotiate your way home on public transportation. You may end up in Queens at 6am with no wallet and a strange rash. 2) Leave cooking to the professionals. 3) Saying “I’m cool,” indicates to others that you’re actually not. Like, “I’m going to eat a sixth coney dog. It’s okay, I’m cool,” or “I’m going to play the knife game while riding a unicycle. S’Alright. I’m cool.” Nope. (Similarly, no good ever comes of “Hold my beer: watch this.”)
You don’t get to be as wise as I am by being a teetotaler. So, you’re welcome and here’s to your health!