Witbier, Weissbier & Controversial Fruit

This woman is crazy on a number of levels, but would feel at home in Ohio

This woman is crazy on a number of levels, but would feel at home in Ohio

Every year at this point in April, regardless of weather, Ohioans pull on their shorts. Many of these bare and vulnerable legs are an alarming shade of white, which one is well-advised to not look at directly. Ohio winters are long, and at this point we’ve watched all of Netflix and need to get out of the goddamned house. We will sit at a picnic table in a parka and Daisy Dukes, if it comes to that, because it’s time to be outside.

I can’t say this Ohio beer-lover in particular is willing to reveal her alabaster gams, but she is ready for other summer activities, namely, summer beers. The breweries are way ahead of me, and summery wheat beers are already well-represented on the shelves and at the taps. Wheat beers are, by some magic of chemistry, delightfully refreshing, and thus often the style of choice for brewers making a warm-weather seasonal.

So, what is a wheat beer? Well, beer folk are notoriously non-obfuscationary, so your guess that wheat beers are brewed largely with wheat, instead of just barley alone, would be correct. In brewing they are top fermented and bottled conditioned. They are easy to pick out in a crowd: they’re unfiltered, hazy, and have a thick head; their smell will likely be of fruit or cloves; and they wear skinny jeans with slouchy hats while leaning against walls and playing on their phones. Continue reading

Women’s Herstory Month: Sexism in Craft Beer

In the waning days of Women’s Herstory Month, let’s talk about why we even need to have a special month all for ourselves. Because women’s magazines. Because wage discrepancies and tube tops. Because being pressured into motherhood without women’s health care coverage and then the public shame of breastfeeding. Because the hyper-sexuality of commercials for anything and “abstinence only” teaching in schools. Because high heels and glass ceilings. Because the way I get touched by men all the time, and it’s supposed to be okay.

old-dominion-double-d-ipaAnd lastly, because craft beer labels! I don’t feel the need to list all the beers with questionable labels. Just Google “sexist beer labels” and be prepared to be embarrassed. So much improbable, gravitationally-challenged cleavage! So many cringingly gross sexual acts alluded to!

Come on, guys! Brewers: the majority of you are youngish white males with creative facial hair who give the distinct impression of being both fairly liberal and just awkward enough to want any chance with a woman you can get. In the same way talking about an ex-girlfriend on a date is a serious faux pas, recommending to me a bottle with a busty blond pin-up is really a turn-off. All that does is remind me of those lecherous old men at truck stops picking up magazines in black plastic. Men who prefer their women plastic, as well. Continue reading

Trips Both Educational & Relaxing: The Beercation

bikinis

Please pass the discount chocolate hearts.

A few days before Valentine’s Day I went to Target to stock up on heart-shaped chocolate edibles that are my reason for the season, plus some stretchy, comfy pants to wear while eating. Much to my surprise, all the heart-shaped everythings were half-off and, instead of comfy pants, a jungle of bikinis greeted me in the lady’s department. I had forgotten that department stores operate on a retail version of “bar time,” and it was closing hour for winter.

While I try to spend as little of my existence on earth thinking about, purchasing, or wearing bikinis, the tiny, brightly colored scraps of fabric did remind me of summer, vacations, and then drinking good beer while on vacation. It’s one of my most favorite things to do.

There are two widely agreed upon types of vacations: the one in which you schedule every minute of your allotted time to fit in as much sightseeing as humanly possible; and the one in which you relax for every minute of your allotted time or until your brain attains the consistency of flan. There is no such complexity in beer-focused vacations. Continue reading

Cure for the Common Valentine’s Day

Morethanbeer

Whoa, let’s not get carried away here…

Few holidays are loathed with the same venom as Valentine’s Day. I say, save all the energy you expend complaining about not getting a date and put it into not celebrating the day white man did not discover our land mass. No? Would it be different if you got Monday off? Maybe you just want to binge-watch John Hughes movies and aggressively eat obscene amounts of chocolate. You can do better than that! Let’s do it up right and drink the whole damn day away. Here are a few beers to pair with your own particular brand of self-hatred.

Say you intend to spend a reclusive evening alone on Valentine’s Day, as you’ve spent the entire beginning of the 14th spiraling down into a dark and inescapable funk after Facebook-stalking your ex and obsessing over the syntax and contextual hints of their most recent posts involving someone named Jamie. It is clear you need a stout, a Heart of Darkness from Magic Hat, to be specific. If you’re going to lose it, really go for it. Continue reading

Singing the Brews: Racism and Craft Beer

Garrett-Oliver-Fermenter

Garrett Oliver, Brewer, Black Dude

It’s almost February, Black History Month, which means as a beer person it’s time to start saying, Hey, where are all the black people? I went through my internal roster of Beer Folk and found one black dude, who is the same black dude everyone finds: Garrett Oliver. Oliver is the brewmaster at Brooklyn Brewery and known for his prize-worthy beers and drool-worthy pairings of beer with food. He is also known for being the Black Dude in beer.

I could throw statistics and charts at you if I was industrious enough to find them, but we all know what’s up: there aren’t many black people in the craft beer industry. The enthusiasts are also few and far between, which is what I am primarily concerned with. Just out of personal experience I can say that in my small Ohio town, where almost a quarter of the residents are black, I can remember seeing groups of black people in my local brewery twice. And I’m there a lot. At the closest bodega to my old apartment in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, on the other hand, I was lucky to find some of Oliver’s own Brooklyn brews. Continue reading

Facebook and Other Hazards of Drinking

The warning label on beer bottles is pretty brief: no drinking if you’re preggers and don’t be an asshole by driving a car. Below are more helpful, more realistic warnings, born of years of experience.

BukowskiPK|BF Warning
(Not) According to the Surgeon General, consumption of alcoholic beverages may rob you of obvious common sense. 1) You probably shouldn’t play the knife game. 2) You really shouldn’t try to ride a unicycle. 3) And really, don’t put an unopened can of beer in a bonfire: that’s what YouTube is for.

Using alcohol can impair your ability to operate a smartphone. 1) Remember: autocorrect is not your fiend. 2) Incidents of ExTexting may increase. You are vulnerable to sending unwise texts to your ex — you don’t really miss him; you’re just drunk and lonely. Own it and put more sad songs on the jukebox. 3) Phones may prove more slippery. Esp. for ladies: remove your phone from your back pocket before hitting the women’s room. They absolutely will dive into the toilet and they will die there, and you will have to stick your hand in there one way or another.

Consumption of alcoholic beverages is discouraged around social media. 1) Your comments will not seem so witty tomorrow morning, after everyone has lol-ed at you. 2) Photographic evidence (Dear Mr. Zuckerberg, thank you for being such a young mutt that Facebook was not around when I was in undergrad. Those 3x5s of my tomato-red, this-is-my-first-time-drunk! face are a lot easier to light on fire than a digital copy.) 3) Duck face. Continue reading

Top 10 Beers of 2015

New Year’s Day is a time to sit back and reflect on the year, contemplate some of the big questions: Why am I here, What the hell am I doing with my life, and At what point did I finally drink my weight in beer. What follows is a list of my favorite beers of 2015. Why give a flippin’ firkin about what one hop head in the middle of Ohio drank this past year? Same as why you read any end of the year list: to judge yourself against popular taste and declare yourself the winner.

skeletonred10. Skeleton Red Rye IPA, Four String Brewing (Columbus, OH)
I was disappointed to learn this is only a fall seasonal, because it’s my favorite Four String beer so far. The beer is hoppy, fresh, almost citrusy, and yet seriously dry — attributes I strive for, myself. Skeleton was a favorite this fall and made me proud of Ohio’s beer integrity.

WheelingBrewing

Wheeling Brewing: This is how we get by–all right!

9. Nail City Porter, Wheeling Brewing (Wheeling, WV)
Within a square block in the city of Wheeling I purchased: an armload of fantastic used books for $1 apiece from a used bookstore that specialized in towering, dusty stacks of novels; a vintage red leather jacket with rabbit fur collar from an antique shop specializing in the Confederacy; a growler of rich, roasty Nail City Porter from a bartender who looked like Britt Daniel of Spoon. I’m sure that had nothing to do with my attraction to it.

A Tuesday

Your average Tuesday

7. Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’, Lagunitas Brewing (Petaluma, CA) / Celebration, Sierra Nevada (Chico, CA)
Based solely on the volume of certain bottlecaps in our collection, these two beers earned their spot on this list. Both are go-tos: Little Sumpin’ year-round; Celebration from November to January. They remind me of each other in character, a bit. Each is dangerously, deliciously easy to drink and not of such an obnoxious abv that you can’t have two or three in an evening.
Continue reading

The Case for Christmas Beer: One Curmudgeon’s Begrudging

Great Lakes Christmas Beer Goggles

Great Lakes Christmas Beer Goggles

I have a well-documented disdain for Christmas beers, winter warmers, and other beers with cutsie holiday-inspired names like Silver Beers and Jingle Beers and Have Yourself a Beery Little Christmas. But around this time of year it is hard to avoid them. They take up half the craft beer cooler at my favorite corner store. The Bollywood music playing in the background adds a certain confusion to the scene, but the store owner certainly knows what brings in money.

Now well into my thirties, I understand that from Thanksgiving to December 25, and perhaps from well before, my life will be invaded by Christmas. The music I hear, the ads I see, the food and drink I buy, the clothes in stores, the shows at theatres, the urges to donate, the urges to buy, the insistence of want, the stupid shit people stick on their heads, cars, children, and pets, even the way people bid me farewell. After all these years, I’ve also come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be okay with it.

I’ll especially not be okay with the replacement of my favorite IPAs and… IPAs with The Nutcracker Wheat and Rudolph the Red Nosed Rainbeer. Because, let’s be honest: this curmudgeonliness has little to do with my personal religious beliefs and everything to do with what I want to drink after a day of playing retail Christmas Elf to dozens of customers, all equally pissed off that they have to spend their hard earned money on siblings they never really liked anyway. And that beer I want to drink is one made of water, grain, yeast, and hops. Please hold the nutmeg. Continue reading

Giving Thanks: Drink Small Saturday

ShopSmallThanksgiving is coming up shortly, and I anticipate its arrival with the same enthusiasm I feel sitting in the gynecologist’s waiting room. (That poor bird with its legs in the air…) What I am looking forward to comes the following weekend: Small Business Saturday. Now, admittedly, this is just a made-up holiday concocted by American Express to make it look like they give a flying fruitcake about small business; however, it brings customers by the Prius-load to my bookstore, all cheerily looking to support local businesses rather than ruthlessly scrabbling for the last Disney Light-Up Frozen Realistic Hair Extension Play-Doh Kit. So, don’t think I’m complaining. Rather, I ask you to raise a small glass of beer with me.

I am assuming most of you know the basics of why one shops local, but I’ll go ahead and preach anyway:

  • 68% of all money spent locally goes back into the community through wages and taxes and change dropped on the ground
  • You support members of your community, not distant CEOs on yachts somewhere in the Caribbean
  • You can be rightfully self-righteous

Continue reading

How to Run a Successful Beer Tasting: Step 1) Invite Poets

The Royalty

The Royalty / Fallen Soldiers

According to the experts, when you run a beer tasting you should always begin with the lightest beer with the lowest abv; however, when you’re tasting only imperial IPAs, this might mean you start at 8%. My friends Kate and Orie came over to help Ben and I taste a mixed sixer of double IPAs so I wouldn’t end up with an article on alcohol poisoning instead.

We had some pizza while we did our stretches and a few warm-up sips of a Brooklyn East IPA — overall a very responsible preamble. We also did a little research, by which I mean we talked at our phones and accepted Wiki definitions as good enough. Turns out Imperial just refers to any beer that has extra bunches of hops or malt, resulting in extra bunches of alcohol. It originated when the British had to brew their stout extra forte to make the journey to the royal Russian court. Basically, big and bold beers, regardless of style.

We start out with Hopmouth, a double IPA from Arcadia Brewing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. At 8%, Hopmouth was dangerously smooth — sessionable, even. Overall it was good, quite drinkable, but not our favorite.

Brooklyn Brewing’s Brooklyn Blast, at 8.4%, is up next. (Side note: this name is embarrassingly hard for me to say even without alcohol, transposing my Ls and Rs like I was Long Duck Dong in the spectacularly un-PC Sixteen Candles.) Kate takes a sip and trills, “it’s the tips of the hairs on the back of a bee! A ferocious honeysuckle meringue!” (Side note 2: I should also mention that Kate and Orie are musicians, poets, artists, beautiful people with shiny, twisty minds.) Continue reading