A rare beer angel. I highly recommend making one yourself using your own favorite brews!

This morning there is about five new inches of snow on the ground and a Level 2 Snow Emergency in effect, which means (and I’m paraphrasing): don’t go out on the snowy roads and get so badly stuck the city has to tow you out, you bung hole! So here I am at home today. I checked our supplies, starting with what’s in the fridge. Turns out I have twelve different kinds of beer in there. This pleases me to no end. (I tell Ben and we do a fist bump.) Here’s some of what’s in my fridge and why they’re the perfect beers to be in my snow day collection:

The Brand New

Careful, lady! That branch could break at any moment!

The Ophelia Hoppy Wheat Ale is Breckenridge Brewery’s newest seasonal beer. It is supposed to be hoppy and wheat-y, although the brewery’s copy also describes it as “The quintessential good girl gone mad,” which I don’t really get. Maybe in the end it was a hops allergy that turned poor Ophelia loony. Or maybe she drank herself silly waiting for that whiny Hamlet. “Get thee to a nunnery” my ass, buddy. Anyway, snow days are an excellent time to try beers you haven’t experienced yet, especially those named after a crazy Dane who knew what a truly rough winter was.

Their slogan is “Normal Is Weird,” which I appreciate.

Also new-to-me is Flying Monkey’s Smashbomb Atomic IPA from Ontario, Canada. This brewery has only recently started distributing in Ohio, whose citizens suck down over 30 gallons of beer a year, according to the Beer Institute (whatever that is — Fox News used it as “research,” too, and it appeared in an article next to one about the unhealthiest hot Starbucks drinks, because if it’s not running on a ticker beneath O’Reilly’s getting-longer nose we won’t know how bad hot chocolate is). I’m sure my household assures Ohio’s average is over the 30-gallon mark, especially with all this affordable pinko Canadian terrorist beer.

The Standard
It’s imperative to have a sixer of something you love in the fridge, a perennial favorite. I mean this for always, naturally, but it is essential to surviving a snow-in without succumbing to cabin fever. Instead, douse this fever with one of your favorite brews, in my case, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. That way if you are sampling one of The Challenges (see below) and don’t dig it, you’ll have something to fall back on.

The Challenges

Gold not included.

I have two beers in my fridge right now that I consider challenges. Challenges are, of course, integral to long days at home to break up the monotony of checking Facebook, watching the snow, and seriously considering shoveling. Dogfish Head’s Midas Touch is one such beer. It is brewed using the same materials used long ago to brew alcohol, an educated guess based on residue found in the king’s tomb. The last time I tried this it was too sweet for me, but I’m going to taste it again following the same personal codes that keep me trying yams once a year to be sure I still don’t like them.

Comes with a free gallon of milk.

The second is a novelty beer brewed by Elevator Brewing in Columbus, Ohio, called Ghost Scorpion and billed as the world’s hottest beer. It was brewed with both the ghost and scorpion chile peppers. Ben, who stockpiles little packets of “Fire” sauce from Taco Bell in a kitchen drawer that holds almost-exclusively mini condiment packets, is excited about this one. I feel like it could be a terrible idea, but I’ll try it anyway because I’ll be bored by night time.

The Rejuvenators

Try this with chocolate; it will change your world.

Suppose I actually do go outside today and clear the driveway. (Flurries today with a 30% chance of shoveling.) Naturally I’ll need a beer when I get back inside! This particular situation calls for a porter or a stout, without question; I happen to have one Bell’s Porter and one Left Hand Milk Stout. Both of these really come alive when you let them warm up a bit, so my plan is to take one out of the fridge before I go scrape off the porches and let it sit there, warming, as inspiration.

After that I’m strapping on the snow shoes and walking to the convenience store. What do you have in your fridge for this snowy day?